Dating someone who has no ambition
Laziness is the mark of an immature man. Not in life and definitely not in your relationship. Being with him is more like taking care of a child emotionally and financially than having a boyfriend. Do you really want to sign yourself up for that responsibility?
Is It a Problem That My BF Lacks Ambition?
Five years ago, Sara Smith, now 32, met the man she would marry while standing in line for tomato soup at a Chicago Au Bon Pain during a busy lunch hour. Smith worked for an investor-relations company and was about to start a graduate program in marketing, and the guy who got her number seemed just as ambitious. By the end of the day, they'd set up their first date. By the end of a year, they were engaged. Jacob seemed like the whole package: Just before their wedding, though, he got laid off.
At first, they saw a silver lining—they could go on a longer honeymoon, and Jacob could use his severance to buy time to find the right job. But after a few months, Smith started to wonder what the plan was. While she was slaving away in grad school, she wasn't even sure her new husband was bothering to shower. She tried to be patient while Jacob "figured things out," but, exhausted after a long day of seminars and assignments, sometimes her frustration would boil over.
I'm such a doer, and I couldn't understand his mind-set at all. He kept saying, 'Something will come up,' but I got the sense he wasn't really looking. Her friends also realized something was off. Out at dinner, Jacob had little to say in a group of dynamic people who were moving forward in their lives. Some thought Smith's Ivy League—educated husband was being lazy, while others reminded her that the economy was rough.
When Jacob's severance ran out, his family gave him money to cover the rent, but finances weren't the issue for Smith. I didn't want a husband who hung out in his underwear watching TV all day and then expected me to cook dinner after work. No job, no plan, no help at home. Two years after they had clicked in the lunch line, Smith found herself in the midst of a divorce.
Sara Smith is one of many young women grappling with what some are calling the ambition gap. It's a role reversal with implications ranging from how we date to what our family life will look like if we marry. According to a Pew Research Center analysis, a record 40 percent of all households with kids under 18 currently have breadwinner moms who provide all or most of the family income—a far cry from the mere 11 percent in Women now make up almost half the U.
In fact, total income is higher in families where the woman is the primary breadwinner. For single young women in the dating pool—specifically those who are unmarried, are city-dwelling, haven't had kids, and are under 30—the news is even more striking. In out of of America's biggest cities, median full-time salaries are 8 percent higher for these women than for their male peers. In some cities, like Atlanta and Memphis, the women are making nearly 20 percent more.
Since the mids, single women have purchased homes at nearly twice the rate of single men, according to a recent report from the National Association of Realtors. And for all the talk of glass ceilings, not only are women at the helm of such major corporations as PepsiCo, Yahoo! If this sounds like great progress, it's not without complications. As Hanna Rosin wrote in her much-buzzed about book, The End of Men a title that not long ago would have been considered, at best, ironic , women are more highly educated than their male peers, earning not only 60 percent of all bachelor's degrees, but 60 percent of master's degrees, nearly 50 percent of medical and law degrees, and 42 percent of MBAs.
In the new economy, where knowledge-based positions requiring more education are replacing manufacturing-sector jobs typically dominated by men, many women are entering uncharted dating territory, frustrated that they can't find an equal partner to share their lives with. Sarah Hague, a year-old operations director at online design store Fab. Right out of college, Hague signed up with Teach for America, a two-year-program that required long, intense hours.
She started dating a go-with-the-flow guy who worked at a theater company where, she says, "he'd go into the office at 11, leave at 4: The next guy she dated seemed more her equal: Then Hague's stint ended and she took a job in a management role, while her boyfriend signed on as a public school teacher. Hague was fine with making significantly more money than he did , but he couldn't deal. Instead of supporting her success, he repeatedly told her that she had "sold out" and tried to get her to go back to "something altruistic.
Finally, Hague started dating an ambitious guy who worked in a different sector in her company. At last, she thought, her career wouldn't get in the way. The company financed her MBA, and things went well with her boyfriend until Hague got promoted… and he didn't. When he told her, "The only reason you got promoted is you're a woman," the relationship was over. Now Hague isn't sure what kind of guy to look for. It's a biological problem on top of a social problem.
This jibes with what Amy Webb, author of Data, A Love Story , found when she posed as a man on online-dating sites to figure out what guys were looking for. Realizing that describing her impressive career as a digital strategist at the top of her profile was a buzzkill not so for men's profiles, of course , she revised it and met her husband who, once he met her offline, fell in love with "the ambitious workaholic that I am".
But Fisher is quick to point out that nobody has to settle. They just have to find a pairing that works well, which might mean going for a high-estrogen, rather than high-testosterone, partner. High-testosterone guys tend to be more aggressive, tough-minded, and competitive—and not as compassionate or emotionally expressive. High-estrogen guys, on the other hand, have no problem expressing their emotions and are trusting and empathetic but can be indecisive.
As Fisher puts it, "The high-estrogen guy will be better at holding your hand if you're sick, but the high-testosterone guy will get the doctor out of bed in the middle of the night to do something about it. When it comes to telling who's who, women should rely on personality traits, not stereotypes, Fisher says. President Obama is likely high-estrogen. He could have gotten a job with an exorbitant salary but instead worked in the poorest parts of Illinois helping people get washing machines.
He calls his wife 'the boss. Indeed, according to a PEW study, in terms of factors deemed important for marital success, sharing household chores ranked higher than having "adequate income. That's assuming, of course, that the guy is on board to share those household responsibilities and isn't threatened by your skyrocketing career.
Latrice Milton, 34, is a divorce attorney in Brookfield, Wisconsin, who learned the hard way that some beta men can be dead weight. Five years ago, she was dating "successful guys with huge egos" when she fell in love with, and eventually married, a friendly airplane pilot named Pete, who seemed as excited by his job as she was by her new position as an assistant district attorney.
When he decided to leave his stable job with a major airline to fly more interesting planes at a startup, she didn't blink. As long as he had a job he was happy in, I thought we'd both be happy in our careers and have a fun life together. Soon he had acquired a variety of new programs, including airplane-simulation and home-design software. One day, even after her husband had gotten a new job, Milton was in the middle of giving a presentation to senators about a bill she was working on when her cell phone rang.
It was Pete calling from a car dealership. When she called back, he told her he'd bought a truck with their money—a surprise to her his father cosigned the loan since Pete had been through a bankruptcy. After two years of these antics, she called it quits. With that marriage behind her, Milton found a new calling—divorce law. I can do this better. This time she chose a hardworking MBA who is a good listener, cheers on her career achievements, and welcomes conversations about their long-terms goals.
It seems like a perfect fit— his last relationship ended because his ex-girlfriend didn't want to work and he wasn't interested in financially supporting a partner either. The rules around who makes what and does what in relationships are changing so rapidly, that Dawn DeLavallade, a physician in Florida, recently started an online community called SheMakesMore. She came up with the idea when, at the beach with some friends, they all realized that until that point, none of them had divulged the fact that they were the main breadwinners in their families.
One such challenge, she says, is "the fear of emasculating your mate in the eyes of others. Mom job. It can be a slippery slope for us, because we want him to feel like a man, but we also need those dishes done," she says. A recent study from the University of Chicago backs this up: It found that greater-earning wives compensate by doing more housework "so as to assuage the 'threatened' husband's unease"—and then often feel resentful.
Perhaps one day it will become a status symbol for an ambitious woman to have a stay-at-home or artsy spouse on her arm, but for now, there's still more uncertainty than pride. For women, finding a "catch" has traditionally meant marrying a good provider, and this notion has been slow to evolve in an era when, as Gloria Steinem presciently put it back in the s, "We're becoming the men we wanted to marry.
And what will you be contributing to the household? If anything, it's going to become even more common. The more common it becomes, the more that people like Jill Cohen, a family mediator and attorney in Beverly Hills, see women coming in for prenuptial agreements. The discussions around these contracts outline not just financial arrangements but domestic ones as well, including who will take care of the home or the kids so the other partner can rise in the ranks at work.
For Lara Madison, a social worker in Watervliet, New York, her split at age 36 after eight years of marriage to a guy who spent more time playing fantasy sports than contributing to the household resulted in her paying her husband a large monetary settlement. And that was after having supported him throughout their marriage. I was killing myself working two or three jobs just to keep us barely afloat. Unsurprisingly, the disappointment killed their sex life.
Latrice Milton, the divorce attorney, had a similar experience while supporting her husband. But when she tried to be intimate, her husband worried that he couldn't satisfy her, because "he wasn't feeling like his best self," she says. Eventually, neither spouse wanted anything to do with the other. Alysha Baker, a year-old restaurant manager in Los Angeles, says many of the guys she meets through friends or at bars lack drive.
If you aren't actively trying to make your career what you want it to be, I don't want to be a part of that. I may not meet all my goals, but at least I have them," she says. Interestingly, as women start setting more of the rules, could men be subjected to a double standard of their own? She has a point. While househusbanding has become more accepted in theory, not all women are comfortable with it in practice. Steven, a writer in New York, took on "one hundred percent" of the domestic responsibilities—drop-offs and pickups, cooking, housework, grocery shopping—so that his wife, a literary agent, could rise to partner in her more lucrative career.
But the arrangement caused tension.
Ambition has its role in life, I'd say. Being a highly ambitious person makes you more likely to take opportunities where you find them, and work. Thus if you are dating a guy with no drive or ambition, explore how it can both hinder and enrich your love life. Lack of resources. On the most obvious level.
I have been in a relationship for three years now but my partner has no ambition and no goals or dreams. Although we love each other, I seem to be the only thing he has plans with. Do some people just not have opinions?
My boyfriend and I have been together for four years.
Five years ago, Sara Smith, now 32, met the man she would marry while standing in line for tomato soup at a Chicago Au Bon Pain during a busy lunch hour. Smith worked for an investor-relations company and was about to start a graduate program in marketing, and the guy who got her number seemed just as ambitious. By the end of the day, they'd set up their first date.
Daughter’s boyfriend lacks ambition
I love my boyfriend and have never been happier, but he has no ambition. While it's not a problem now because we are young and I am still in college, I am afraid it will be one day down the line. He has absolutely no dreams other than to live life. But he has so much talent and he takes brilliant pictures. If he had the motivation to apply himself, he could be a great photographer. I feel this is a problem because I have big dreams and when I am done with school, I am going for them.
“He Has No Ambition, Smokes Weed All Day, But I Regret Ending It”
You can learn more about why that matters to them and God in the this post.
By Jessica Lanyadoo. Hi Jessica,.
Ask Erin: Should I Leave My Boyfriend Who Has No Ambition?
He's cute, fun, smart and you can't stop thinking about him. You're already three steps ahead of the game, mentally planning weddings, children and that giant house with the white picket fence. Finally, after all these years, the perfect relationship has finally been found. Happily ever after sure feels good, huh? Not so fast. While many men may seem ideal after just a few weeks of dating, upon closer inspection, there can be warning signs that you should avoid a relationship with this person. It is important to recognize these warning signs before it's too late. The alternative is waking up one day down the road divorced with five kids and fifty thousand dollars in debt, watching re-runs of "Honey Boo Boo" on Nick at Nite. OK, maybe I'm exaggerating. But the truth is, as much as we often ignore the warning signs of a potentially bad relationship early on in the dating process, these issues don't go away. Most behaviors only grow worse over time.
Should You Date a Man with Potential?
Personally, woman is secure in life views. Well enough — no social dating, ambition, one day someone will be with no ambition towards relationships before. Stoners tend to be in general. Still, breakups. Online dating site called upon their fellow stoners to make people that reddit. He didn't agree with tiger parents?
Dear Bossip: He’s In Construction, Lives With A Roommate & Has No Ambition
Powered by WordPress. Need advice? Send your questions to Terrance: Back in July of I began dating a wonderful guy 6 years older than myself I was 22, he was In May of we moved in together. A bit of back-story, I am white and he is Black. I drive and own my own car; he has neither a license nor car.
A Letter To The Guy Dating A Girl With Ambition
My ex-boyfriend was the same way. It upset me that he had so many talents and was completely wasting them all. He was so great with fixing and repairing things. He would fix cars, build things from scratch, cut hair, anything that had to do with working with his hands. He would complain about not having a job, or how hard it was for him to stay employed. I would often say he should go to school or look into developing his skills and it would turn into a debate about how he doesn't have the money or time. Year after year, there was always some excuse as to why he couldn't or shouldn't better himself.
Thus if you are dating a guy with no drive or ambition, explore how it can both hinder and enrich your love life. Lack of resources On the most obvious level, dating a guy without professional ambition makes for a precarious personal life. If your date is stuck at a lowly job, he will not be able to take you out in style that you deserve to, much less pamper you with all the finer things of life. It is the dream of almost everyone woman to be indulged by a date, if only on special occasions. However a man who has no real plan for bettering his financial prospects is unlikely to be able to lavish gifts and presents on you.
I just launched my new inspirational blog this week and it would mean the world if you could check it out! Thanks in advance! So what are you really waiting for? The saddest part is that you could wait years, decades, and still be stuck in the same position with no results, time wasted, and lots of resentment. Let me break the girl vs.I'm Worried About My Boyfriend's Lack Of Ambition